Twenty Ten World Cup Predictions

It's not gay if you close your eyes.

In what is undeniably the greatest competition ever to grace this earth, the world cup this summer will no doubt bring nirvana like highs, and dagger to the heart like lows, all the while enchanting us with the most exciting action and emotion found in sports. I, like many, have been waiting four years since the last go around, where my heart was ripped out and spat on by pretty boy C. Ronaldo of Portugal. Hopefully this year will bring about better luck for the Three Lions and Team USA. I’ve gone through the groups and made some educated guesses as to where the cards may fall. Barring France, I hope to avoid any overt racism in the below commentary.

Group Stage

Group A

1st: France 2nd: Mexico 3rd: South Africa 4th: Uruguay

Anaylsis: Sadly, I believe the smellies will win this group. I hope that they can control themselves and not head butt the other team, or caress the ball into the opposition’s goal with their hands in this tourney. I see Mexico as a great force that will easily get through and challenge for first. South Africa will exceed expectations and get by a lifeless former world champion in Uruguay.

Group B

1st: Argentina 2nd: Greece 3rd: Nigeria 4th: South Korea

Anaylsis: Argentina is good, great even. Expect to see them playing late into the tournament. Messi will win the golden boot, his pace, vision and creativity make him one of the silliest players in the world and he will carry this team through the first round easily, despite the poor leadership from the dreadful Maradona. The other three teams are rather close in skill and could shake up the standings, however I believe Greece will outclass Nigeria and South Korea and advance to the group of 16.

Group C

1st: England 2nd: USA 3rd: Slovenia 4th: Algeria

Analysis: A fantastic draw for both the US and England. Anticipate both teams advancing through. If England can get some chemistry up front with Pub Bully Bulldog Wayne Rooney, they can go as far as Christ will take them; he is on their side after all. The best match of the first round will be US v. England on June 13. England is the class of the group but the US are no slouches, with Donovan, Onyequ (who looks more like a defensive end in person), Dempsey and Bradley all claiming world-class abilities. Slovenia is a tough play and will shove Algeria out of third.

Group D

1st: Germany 2nd: Serbia 3rd: Ghana 4th: Australia

Analysis: Germany will have trouble scoring goals this cup, despite the efforts of a very dynamic Klose. While few will be rooting against them, look for them to advance with a sturdy Serbia right behind. I see this group as the closest of all. Whoever can beat Germany will likely advance.

Group E

1st: Netherlands 2nd: Denmark 3rd: Cameroon 4th: Japan

Analysis: The Netherlands are legit; they will cruise with Robin Van Persie making people look like children with soiled huggies. They will collect the full nine. Denmark will press on due to the inability of Cameroon and Japan to field a starting 11 that can compete competitively. Cameroon will drop at least one embarrassing game as their best days are behind them. Forget about Japan. What’s Japan?

Group F

1st: Paraguay 2nd: Italy 3rd: Slovakia 4th: New Zealand

Analysis: Italy simply is not as good as they were when they won in 2006. They will sneak in and look overwhelmed for large portions of their matches. Paraguay is decent, do not sleep on them, and remember that they finished only 1 pt. behind Brazil in qualifying. This group is extremely competitive with Slovakia and New Zealand capable of winning some close fixtures.

Group G

1st: Brazil 2nd: Ivory Coast 3rd: Portugal 4th: North Korea

Analysis: Can I just say that it sucks that there are two Korean teams in the World Cup? I mean, whatever, they can come be the doormats of the rest of the world should they choose to. Brazil is the hands down favorite to hoist the trophy come the final and will play like it in the group stages. They have the ability to put their feet on teams’ throats when they get ahead. I see Ivory Coast as an all around better team with more athleticism, support and depth than Portugal, who will miss out on the round of 16. Ronaldo, tell me how my ass taste.

Group H

1st: Spain 2nd: Chile 3rd: Switzerland 4th: Honduras

Analysis: The red fury will roll here. This team has too much talent not to. They possess the best pairing of forwards of any team in the world in Fernando Torres and David Villa. While we are on about Torres, if it’s not right to say questionable things about him, then I want to be wrong. Chile is a damn good team and Switzerland and Honduras should just stay at home.

Round of 16

France v Greece: I need to shower after saying this but France will win with a lucky goal or illegal cheating maneuver in extra time. BASTARDS.

Argentina v Mexico: Argentina in a high scoring affair, bet the over. Penalty kicks.

England v. Serbia: England, never, never, never shall be ruled. There will be plenty of cards, and a skinhead on one of the sides will likely get a red. While openly in the tank for the England, I see them taking down the Serbs.

Germany v. USA: The Germs have a lot of talent in Schweinsteiger, Klose and Pudolski and the FIFA name in Bastian Schweinsteiger but WILL have trouble scoring goals. Riding a high of some great play USA will win a tough one nil victory of the world heavyweights.

Netherlands v. Italy: Italy will be tired and frustrated in this match, play acting and arguing calls. The Netherlands are all business and the Clockwork Orange will take their place in the next round.

Paraguay v. Denmark: While not an upset; few will expect Denmark to reach the next round. They will, place your bets!

Brazil v. Chile: Too much speed, stamina and agility here. The boys of Brazil will win, although this long time rivalry will result in a close win with a long-range missile from the edge of the box late in the match.

Spain v Ivory Coast: If this match occurs, bet the farm that Spain will win. Their loss to the US is an anathema, Spain advances.

Quarter Finals

France v. England: England all day. With the hearts of Lions, the Brits will gladly send the frogs packing.

Argentina v. USA: In what will be an incredible run, the hometown boys will lose in an unconvincing fashion here, sadly.

Brazil v. Netherlands: Wow, what a match this would be. In the end, the Netherlands will choke as they always do late in big tourneys.

Denmark v. Spain: Spain will be surprised to see this match and will dispose of the young upstarts with a swift kick to the kidneys, so to say.


England v. Brazil: I can honestly see England winning this match. There is no team that plays with more emotion and fan support than the good old marmite loving lads do from England. I just cannot pick Brazil to lose, because I will inevitably jinx them. For the sake of this blog, I’ll take Brazil.

Argentina v. Spain: In the Euros, I saw a Spanish team that could score mercilessly. On top of that, they arguably have the best goalkeeper in the world in Casillas. They head to the final.

Third Place Playoff

England v. Argentina: This will not happen because England will reach the final, so who cares.

World Cup Final

Brazil v. Spain: I’m going against common opinion here and picking Spain. Brazil is a great team and are more than capable of bring home to trophy, but Spain do not really have a weakness, as they play great team defense, which is debatably their weakness. Spain as world champions.



~ by drtysanta on January 31, 2010.

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